During his heyday in the 80’s, I wonder if anyone ever thought Thomas Dolby would one day look like a goomba.
Q: Why did they call it the PSP Go?
A: Because you will have to pass go and collect $200 in order to come close to being able to afford it!!!!
Joke of the year. A Nobel Prize now please.
This is a tiny little comedy bit I wrote a while back about the joys of being father. It’s basically just a vessel to tell some Allman Brother jokes and use my favourite fake name, Tybreeze.
While I’m no longer able to father children due to my nether regions being vigorously shaken to the point of eruption while sitting on an amp at an outdoor Allman Brothers concert in late 1999, I was lucky enough to get the opportunity to impregnate a beautiful Chicano woman in the year of our lord 1994. Now, 15 years later, my son Tybreeze — full name Tybreeze Barnaby Jones McKenzie — is a strong and strapping lad who injects a dose of LSD-laced sunshine into my life every single day. Whether we’re off in the park flying some kites, heading out to the stadium to cheer the virtues of good sportsmanship to our favourite baseball team or performing comically modified versions of classic DJ Jazzy Jeff/Fresh Prince songs as the two-man rap group “He’s the DJ, I’m the Dad” (call in to your local radio stations and request “Parents DO Understand And I Should Know As A Loving Father”), me and my son have an unbreakable bond of love that enriches both of our lives. Although, not to nitpick, it probably enriches my life a bit more. Why am I telling all of you this? Because I want everyone to experience the joys of being a parent before it’s too late. You never know when Greg Allman’s scorching solo in “Ramblin’ Man” will rupture your reproductive organs, and while that scenario is unlikely, there are still so many other ways and Allman Brothers songs out there that can take away your ability to produce a child. So go — seek out your own metaphorical beautiful Chicano woman/man and strongly hint that you want to create a life with them.
I love games where you get to shoot nazis as much as the next person but I will never love a genre of video game as much as I love adventure games. I’ll play a 3rd person ninja game, sure, but I’d much rather be playing a game where some obtuse and completely irrational puzzle has you dipping a slice of pizza into tar so you can glue it to a pipe to stop a leak or using cat hair to make a fake moustache (I made up the slize of pizza puzzle and it still sounds more rational than a cat hair moustache). But being a fan of adventure games lately has been tough because unless you have a DS, the quality has been a bit…lacking. There’s still decent stuff out there, and quite a bit of it despite rumours of adventure game’s death, but I’d say 80% of modern commercial adventure games are not worth playing at all.
I’ve recently played a game that has re-energized my love of the genre though, The Lost Crown, which is a surprisingly epic adventure that harkens back to mid-90’s Sierra days. The box art may make it look like another generic 1st person trek through a haunted house or *gulp* another I Spy game where you have to find a cat and a hammer hidden in a room full of junk, but this is actually a 3rd person horror/mystery that plays more like Gabriel Knight meets Shivers. And, most impressively, it was all made primarily by one man, Jonathan Boakes, who also made the somewhat impressive Dark Fall games and is probably the closest the genre currently has to a modern day Jane Jensen (although some would argue that Jane Jense is the current Jane Jensen as she is working on her game Gray Matter which may or may not still exist). Since it was made by only one guy, the game has it’s share of flaws, especially some iffy and repetitive voice acting (Jonathan Boakes himself voices the main character so that about sums it up) but it’s still surprisingly professional and rivals the production values of most other adventure games made by full-fledged teams.
If you’re into adventure games, you should definitely check this out, it has a few quirks but it’s also got a really engrossing story and some very good scares that make up for any annoyances. Easily the best adventure game for the PC in years.
Also, since I’m here and talking about adventure games: fuck Myst.
I don’t trust anyone who likes Animal Collective but doesn’t like Green Day