I was flipping through the channels earlier tonight to take a break from playing Fallout 3 (yes, watching TV constitutes as a break from a video game for me, I am that lazy and dependent on technology) when I managed to find the movie “Ravenous” just starting up on one of the movie channels. Now, I own “Ravenous” on VHS, the only movie I own on VHS, but when I see it on TV I just can’t resist watching it so I once again sat through the entire thing for probably the 15th time in my life. And it was still just as good as ever, this is a movie I will never get sick of. If you haven’t seen it, here are the reasons why you should track it down immediately:
1. The cast is amazing. You’ve got Guy Pearce, who has starred in some other movies I love like Memento, L.A. Confidential and The Proposition, in the lead role playing the quiet brooding loner character he does so well. There’s also Jeremy Davies who most people would now recognize as Daniel Faraday from Lost playing a shy priest who pretty much steals the entire film when he gets to shout out the line “He was licking me!”. And there’s the always dependable and usually under utilized Robert Carlyle who gets to go insanely over the top as an almost unkillable cannibal and utters one of the best final lines for a movie ever.
2. Not only is it a great horror movie, it can also be hilarious. There’s a dark sense of humour underlying the film that makes even some of the more brutal moments laugh out loud funny.
3. The soundtrack is brilliant. It was done by Damon Albarn and Michael Hyman and perfectly manages to capture the spirt of the film. Jonny Greenwood recently got a lot of acclaim when he transitioned to composing work with “There Will Be Blood” and it’s a shame Damon Albarn didn’t get the same recognition with his transition into this because it’s absolutely fantastic.
And if you don’t believe me, here’s main theme from the film which recreates the off kilter nature of it in audio form:
You always hear terrifying stories about people being horribly traumatized for life by soft drinks but you never think it’ll happen to you. You keep buying and drinking your favourite pop and never once question that it’s out to destroy your psyche and emotionally scar you with it’s awfulness but of course there’s always one bad apple in the bunch…that one unsuspecting soda that wants to hold a metaphorical knife to your throat and ruin your life, and for me and everyone else who ever tasted it, that drink was Orbitz.
Yes, those really are dozens and dozens of strange and gooey globs of yuck sitting in suspended animation in those drinks. And yes, you were expected to eat them while drinking.
Orbitz was made by a company called Clearly Canadian Beverage Coporation, a subsidary of Hell itself, and came out in 1996 before being discontinued shortly after because they soon found out no one was interested in buying the liquid embodiement of pure evil. I’m not exactly sure why they made it in the first place, I presume they thought there were consumers out there thinking “Man, this fruit flavoured drink is fantastic but what’d make it even better is if there were some gelataneous globules floating around in here too so I could have those sliding down my throat when I go in for a sip of fruity flavour”, but apparently they didn’t follow through with some market research and realize that accounts for 0 people on the entire planet.
What brings my sudden fascination with a drink that died 12 years ago and faded into obscurity? Well, last night I actually had a dream where I drank an Orbitz and remembered just how awful it was. That means Orbitz was such a terrible, terrible drink that it’s memory lodged itself into the deep recesses of my brain and a dozen years after I last tasted one, after I last thought of one, my subconscious decided to remind me once again just how awful a drink it was. I have to give the makers of Orbitz credit, it takes a truly memorable drink to have an appearance in your dream so long after you drank it, so they really did make a soda that will never be forgotten to those who drank it and that is quite an accomplishment. But to those who will never forget it, it’s not an accomplishment…it’s a curse. Like tasting of the forbidden fruit or being bitten by a werewolf, a single drop of Orbitz upon the tongue will banish thy into a world of tormet for the rest of time.
And if you think I’m exaggerating how sinfully disgusting this drink was, take a look at this picture of a defective bottle of Orbitz someone shot this year:
Now excuse me while I go vomit for the next 8 decades.
Internet Scrabble Club has stuck it’s multi-coloured square claws into my brain and will not release me from it’s grip until I have become a formidable opponent for even the toughest of challengers. It will be a long and arduous trek to the top but I believe I can do it, I just need to study a dictionary 4 hours before I go to bed every night and try to find more uses for C’s and V’s. Seriously, fuck you C and V. The rest of the letters hate you, I hope you know that. You’re this close to being cut out of the entire alphabet entirely.
Talented comedic actor and equally talented musician Matt Berry has released the song “Take My Hand” off of his upcoming album “Witchazel”. There’s no jokes or humour here but that doesn’t matter when it’s a fantastic slice of old fashioned 60’s pop.
Canada has made some great contributions to the world in the past, inventing basketball and birthing Scott Wolf being the top 2, but without a doubt the thing we will be most remembered for in the far off future is giving the people of the universe Clodhoppers. Biting into a Clodhopper is akin to biting into the concept of happiness, they’re just as much a hypothesis on joy as they are a delicious candy cluster. If the last note of “A Day in the Life” had a candy equivalent, it’s a Clodhopper. Enjoy all your favourite candies now because it’s only a matter of time before Clodhoppers become a worldwide phenomenon and make every other type of candy extinct. I’m sorry Smarties, I loved you, but Clodhoppers are going to murder you.
Bob Dylan, Stop Stealing Your Ideas From Classic Canadian Children's Shows!
Everyone called me crazy when I said Bob Dylan was blatantly copying the opening bars of the theme song for the classic Canadian children’s show “Under the Umbrella Tree” in the song “Spirit on the Water” off his last album but I’m not crazy. He stole the opening from that theme and I’m now dedicating my life to proving that he is a fraud and needs to admit he is a terrible person.
Listen to the first five seconds of this:
And then listen to the opening of Bob Dylan’s song:
It opens with a slightly jazzier version of the opening bars of “Under the Umbrella Tree”! The jig is up Dylan. Your days as a music icon are numbered.
I really feel bad for the company that bought the rights to make a Love Guru costume. They were expecting a huge smash hit that would launch so many memorable characters like Austin Powers did in the late 90’s and instead they’re given one of the worst movies of the year and now have to find a way to sell a product that no one in their right mind would pay money for. Godspeed Love Guru costume makers, you’ll be in our hearts this Halloween season.
"Dirty Split" is a fantastic (and free!) point and click adventure from Dreamimagination Entertainment with a classic twisting noir story and goregously stylized graphics like in the screenshot seen above. If you’re a fan of these kinds of games then you’ll definitely have a lot of fun playing this.
Might be time to buy stock in the Tyrell Corporation. The art of rebirthing dolls seems to have found a little niche market for itself and now disturbingly realistic plastic babies are being sent all over the world. I can’t claim to be an expert on the subject but I don’t think it really takes an expert to notice this seems incredibly disturbing and unnatural.
"The process of reborning a doll is being able to create as realistic baby as possible.
This is achieved by firstly buying or creating a doll mould to start the reborning process. It is then neccessary to begin colouring the dolls head, body and limbs through a variety of different techniques to give a very realistic human skin effect. This takes multiple layers of different paints to create mottled effects such as that of a newborn baby. We also add veins and other methods to add that real lifelike quality effect. Our babies arrive to customers weighted and stuffed to feel very cuddly and similar to that of a baby. The arms, legs and head are also weighted to give each doll a comparable baby weight.
For the doll to have realistic hair our prefered option is to root the head and eyelashes with high quality coloured mohair. The rooting process is achieved by using a special needle which locks each individual strand of hair into the vinyl doll body. This is done strand by strand and can take days, patience is essential.
The baby dolls hands and feet are also coloured, their tiny nails have been manicured and varnished to give a nice gloss finish. Our dolls come with both open and closed eyes. The nostrels are also opened so the baby can breath and also gives a lifelike finish.
Other ideas can be added such as heartbeat, magnetic dummy and magnetic hair ribbon depending on our customers specifications. To finalise the creation the new lovely baby is dressed in quality baby clothes and boxed in a nice package ready for a new home.”
Sometimes words aren’t enough. See for yourself this ancient art of “rebirthing” a doll:
The Top 5 Styx Songs to Sing Drunk at Karoke (Plus Tips to Master Them!!!)
There are many ways to express yourself through art, be it a painting that reveals the nature of your soul or a poem about robots from the future that lets the reader know your feelings on robots (and the future). But for my money, which isn’t worth much due to the impending implosion of the North American economic system, the best way to lay your heart out on the line is to knock back a few Coronas and stumble onto a poorly lit stage to sing Styx lyrics as they scroll down in front of you on a little monitor. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “I’d love to do that too, but I don’t know anything about Styx!”. First of all, if you don’t know anything about Styx then you’ve wasted your life and should probably just give up on making anything of yourself. And secondly, don’t fret, because you’ve come to the right place. Here’s a handy guide to the songs you need to sing along with some helpful hints that’ll have you mastering them in no time. Helpful hint #1: Don’t sing “Mr. Roboto” because EVERYONE sings “Mr. Roboto”.
5. Come Sail Away
Next to the aforementioned “Mr. Roboto” this is probably the most popular Styx song to cover but do not be fooled by it’s widespread popularity…this is a 6 minute juggernaut of a song that will destroy any unprepared Styx fan who attempts to conquer it. It’s difficulty is on par with climbing K2…but times a billion, so it’d be like climbing K2,000,000,000.
Tips to Mastering the Song: Due to it’s length and sheer brilliance “Come Sail Away” requires you to be in peak physical shape so proper training is a must. Consult a fitness instructor for recommended techniques to get in shape for your performance and stick to a healthy and nutritious diet. Also wear a sailor hat while singing the song to get into the nautical nature of the lyrics.
This is a wonderful song to play for that special someone in your life when you want to tell them how you feel and need to use drunken Styx karoke to express that feeling. Many people have fallen in love due to this song and that’s why it must be sung with caution…singing it too heartfelt may make some members of the audience fall madly and deeply in love with you, but I guess that’s the risk you have to take when singing Dennis DeYoung-penned lyrics.
Tips to Mastering the Song: Set some candles up on the stage before your performance to set the mood (consult with establishment first to make sure you’re not violating any regulations). Scented candles preferable.
Another one of the more popular Styx songs and probably the best one to start off with as a beginner to the medium. Don’t think that means you can approach it lightly though, this song will fuck you up if you don’t treat it with the respect and tenderness it deserves so practice is necessary. Vocal coaches are cheap and easy to find these days and there are some specialize solely in Styx songs so finding one to train you to sing “Lady” is definitely a feasible solution if you feel you are not currently up to it.
Tips to Mastering the Song: Two words I can’t stress enough: air piano, air piano, air piano!!!
The most badass song ever made. It’s so badass it was used as the theme for that show “Renegade” starring Sir Lorenzo Lamas, the greatest TV show of all time. If this song was a person it’d be an unemployed guy who wears a wifebeater stained with raviloi, has gotten banned from all of the Applebees in North America and drives a pickup truck fueled by the tears he’s shed because of all his failed marriages.
Tips to Mastering the Song: There’s only one possible way to perform this song and capture all of it’s extreme coolness: you have to drive onto stage on a sweet ass Harley through a thick veil of smoke wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses. You then have to sing the entire song while looking over your shoulder at the crowd with a scowl on your face and then after it’s done you have to give a finger to authority and pop a wheelie and haul ass out of there shouting “Live your life a quarter mile at a time!”. If you can’t perform it under those circumstances then don’t even try as you will not do it justice.
1. Show Me the Way
If there’s one Styx song everyone should get drunk and sing to at karoke, this is it. This is the greatest song ever recorded by a human in the history of civilization and is the best present we could ever give our ears. If you hear the chorus to this song and are not instantly transported to a magical world then you are Hitler incarnate except worse because even Hitler would’ve loved this song. The next time you go to sing karoke, check to make sure they have this song, if they don’t then you need to go up to the manager of the place and throw him out a 2nd floor window. You don’t want to kill him, you just want the fall to break a few bones and send the message that it is not ok to leave this song off the playlist. He’ll thank you later for it, trust me.