The already great Funny or Die website family is now even better with UK offshoot www.funnyordie.co.uk now open for business. There’s great stuff on it already too, here’s brilliant comedic actor Peter Serafinowicz performing 50 impeccable impressions in 2 minutes:
I was flipping through the channels earlier tonight to take a break from playing Fallout 3 (yes, watching TV constitutes as a break from a video game for me, I am that lazy and dependent on technology) when I managed to find the movie “Ravenous” just starting up on one of the movie channels. Now, I own “Ravenous” on VHS, the only movie I own on VHS, but when I see it on TV I just can’t resist watching it so I once again sat through the entire thing for probably the 15th time in my life. And it was still just as good as ever, this is a movie I will never get sick of. If you haven’t seen it, here are the reasons why you should track it down immediately:
1. The cast is amazing. You’ve got Guy Pearce, who has starred in some other movies I love like Memento, L.A. Confidential and The Proposition, in the lead role playing the quiet brooding loner character he does so well. There’s also Jeremy Davies who most people would now recognize as Daniel Faraday from Lost playing a shy priest who pretty much steals the entire film when he gets to shout out the line “He was licking me!”. And there’s the always dependable and usually under utilized Robert Carlyle who gets to go insanely over the top as an almost unkillable cannibal and utters one of the best final lines for a movie ever.
2. Not only is it a great horror movie, it can also be hilarious. There’s a dark sense of humour underlying the film that makes even some of the more brutal moments laugh out loud funny.
3. The soundtrack is brilliant. It was done by Damon Albarn and Michael Hyman and perfectly manages to capture the spirt of the film. Jonny Greenwood recently got a lot of acclaim when he transitioned to composing work with “There Will Be Blood” and it’s a shame Damon Albarn didn’t get the same recognition with his transition into this because it’s absolutely fantastic.
And if you don’t believe me, here’s main theme from the film which recreates the off kilter nature of it in audio form:
You always hear terrifying stories about people being horribly traumatized for life by soft drinks but you never think it’ll happen to you. You keep buying and drinking your favourite pop and never once question that it’s out to destroy your psyche and emotionally scar you with it’s awfulness but of course there’s always one bad apple in the bunch…that one unsuspecting soda that wants to hold a metaphorical knife to your throat and ruin your life, and for me and everyone else who ever tasted it, that drink was Orbitz.
Yes, those really are dozens and dozens of strange and gooey globs of yuck sitting in suspended animation in those drinks. And yes, you were expected to eat them while drinking.
Orbitz was made by a company called Clearly Canadian Beverage Coporation, a subsidary of Hell itself, and came out in 1996 before being discontinued shortly after because they soon found out no one was interested in buying the liquid embodiement of pure evil. I’m not exactly sure why they made it in the first place, I presume they thought there were consumers out there thinking “Man, this fruit flavoured drink is fantastic but what’d make it even better is if there were some gelataneous globules floating around in here too so I could have those sliding down my throat when I go in for a sip of fruity flavour”, but apparently they didn’t follow through with some market research and realize that accounts for 0 people on the entire planet.
What brings my sudden fascination with a drink that died 12 years ago and faded into obscurity? Well, last night I actually had a dream where I drank an Orbitz and remembered just how awful it was. That means Orbitz was such a terrible, terrible drink that it’s memory lodged itself into the deep recesses of my brain and a dozen years after I last tasted one, after I last thought of one, my subconscious decided to remind me once again just how awful a drink it was. I have to give the makers of Orbitz credit, it takes a truly memorable drink to have an appearance in your dream so long after you drank it, so they really did make a soda that will never be forgotten to those who drank it and that is quite an accomplishment. But to those who will never forget it, it’s not an accomplishment…it’s a curse. Like tasting of the forbidden fruit or being bitten by a werewolf, a single drop of Orbitz upon the tongue will banish thy into a world of tormet for the rest of time.
And if you think I’m exaggerating how sinfully disgusting this drink was, take a look at this picture of a defective bottle of Orbitz someone shot this year:
Now excuse me while I go vomit for the next 8 decades.
Internet Scrabble Club has stuck it’s multi-coloured square claws into my brain and will not release me from it’s grip until I have become a formidable opponent for even the toughest of challengers. It will be a long and arduous trek to the top but I believe I can do it, I just need to study a dictionary 4 hours before I go to bed every night and try to find more uses for C’s and V’s. Seriously, fuck you C and V. The rest of the letters hate you, I hope you know that. You’re this close to being cut out of the entire alphabet entirely.
Talented comedic actor and equally talented musician Matt Berry has released the song “Take My Hand” off of his upcoming album “Witchazel”. There’s no jokes or humour here but that doesn’t matter when it’s a fantastic slice of old fashioned 60’s pop.
Canada has made some great contributions to the world in the past, inventing basketball and birthing Scott Wolf being the top 2, but without a doubt the thing we will be most remembered for in the far off future is giving the people of the universe Clodhoppers. Biting into a Clodhopper is akin to biting into the concept of happiness, they’re just as much a hypothesis on joy as they are a delicious candy cluster. If the last note of “A Day in the Life” had a candy equivalent, it’s a Clodhopper. Enjoy all your favourite candies now because it’s only a matter of time before Clodhoppers become a worldwide phenomenon and make every other type of candy extinct. I’m sorry Smarties, I loved you, but Clodhoppers are going to murder you.
Bob Dylan, Stop Stealing Your Ideas From Classic Canadian Children's Shows!
Everyone called me crazy when I said Bob Dylan was blatantly copying the opening bars of the theme song for the classic Canadian children’s show “Under the Umbrella Tree” in the song “Spirit on the Water” off his last album but I’m not crazy. He stole the opening from that theme and I’m now dedicating my life to proving that he is a fraud and needs to admit he is a terrible person.
Listen to the first five seconds of this:
And then listen to the opening of Bob Dylan’s song:
It opens with a slightly jazzier version of the opening bars of “Under the Umbrella Tree”! The jig is up Dylan. Your days as a music icon are numbered.
I really feel bad for the company that bought the rights to make a Love Guru costume. They were expecting a huge smash hit that would launch so many memorable characters like Austin Powers did in the late 90’s and instead they’re given one of the worst movies of the year and now have to find a way to sell a product that no one in their right mind would pay money for. Godspeed Love Guru costume makers, you’ll be in our hearts this Halloween season.
"Dirty Split" is a fantastic (and free!) point and click adventure from Dreamimagination Entertainment with a classic twisting noir story and goregously stylized graphics like in the screenshot seen above. If you’re a fan of these kinds of games then you’ll definitely have a lot of fun playing this.
Might be time to buy stock in the Tyrell Corporation. The art of rebirthing dolls seems to have found a little niche market for itself and now disturbingly realistic plastic babies are being sent all over the world. I can’t claim to be an expert on the subject but I don’t think it really takes an expert to notice this seems incredibly disturbing and unnatural.
"The process of reborning a doll is being able to create as realistic baby as possible.
This is achieved by firstly buying or creating a doll mould to start the reborning process. It is then neccessary to begin colouring the dolls head, body and limbs through a variety of different techniques to give a very realistic human skin effect. This takes multiple layers of different paints to create mottled effects such as that of a newborn baby. We also add veins and other methods to add that real lifelike quality effect. Our babies arrive to customers weighted and stuffed to feel very cuddly and similar to that of a baby. The arms, legs and head are also weighted to give each doll a comparable baby weight.
For the doll to have realistic hair our prefered option is to root the head and eyelashes with high quality coloured mohair. The rooting process is achieved by using a special needle which locks each individual strand of hair into the vinyl doll body. This is done strand by strand and can take days, patience is essential.
The baby dolls hands and feet are also coloured, their tiny nails have been manicured and varnished to give a nice gloss finish. Our dolls come with both open and closed eyes. The nostrels are also opened so the baby can breath and also gives a lifelike finish.
Other ideas can be added such as heartbeat, magnetic dummy and magnetic hair ribbon depending on our customers specifications. To finalise the creation the new lovely baby is dressed in quality baby clothes and boxed in a nice package ready for a new home.”
Sometimes words aren’t enough. See for yourself this ancient art of “rebirthing” a doll:
The Top 5 Styx Songs to Sing Drunk at Karoke (Plus Tips to Master Them!!!)
There are many ways to express yourself through art, be it a painting that reveals the nature of your soul or a poem about robots from the future that lets the reader know your feelings on robots (and the future). But for my money, which isn’t worth much due to the impending implosion of the North American economic system, the best way to lay your heart out on the line is to knock back a few Coronas and stumble onto a poorly lit stage to sing Styx lyrics as they scroll down in front of you on a little monitor. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “I’d love to do that too, but I don’t know anything about Styx!”. First of all, if you don’t know anything about Styx then you’ve wasted your life and should probably just give up on making anything of yourself. And secondly, don’t fret, because you’ve come to the right place. Here’s a handy guide to the songs you need to sing along with some helpful hints that’ll have you mastering them in no time. Helpful hint #1: Don’t sing “Mr. Roboto” because EVERYONE sings “Mr. Roboto”.
5. Come Sail Away
Next to the aforementioned “Mr. Roboto” this is probably the most popular Styx song to cover but do not be fooled by it’s widespread popularity…this is a 6 minute juggernaut of a song that will destroy any unprepared Styx fan who attempts to conquer it. It’s difficulty is on par with climbing K2…but times a billion, so it’d be like climbing K2,000,000,000.
Tips to Mastering the Song: Due to it’s length and sheer brilliance “Come Sail Away” requires you to be in peak physical shape so proper training is a must. Consult a fitness instructor for recommended techniques to get in shape for your performance and stick to a healthy and nutritious diet. Also wear a sailor hat while singing the song to get into the nautical nature of the lyrics.
This is a wonderful song to play for that special someone in your life when you want to tell them how you feel and need to use drunken Styx karoke to express that feeling. Many people have fallen in love due to this song and that’s why it must be sung with caution…singing it too heartfelt may make some members of the audience fall madly and deeply in love with you, but I guess that’s the risk you have to take when singing Dennis DeYoung-penned lyrics.
Tips to Mastering the Song: Set some candles up on the stage before your performance to set the mood (consult with establishment first to make sure you’re not violating any regulations). Scented candles preferable.
Another one of the more popular Styx songs and probably the best one to start off with as a beginner to the medium. Don’t think that means you can approach it lightly though, this song will fuck you up if you don’t treat it with the respect and tenderness it deserves so practice is necessary. Vocal coaches are cheap and easy to find these days and there are some specialize solely in Styx songs so finding one to train you to sing “Lady” is definitely a feasible solution if you feel you are not currently up to it.
Tips to Mastering the Song: Two words I can’t stress enough: air piano, air piano, air piano!!!
The most badass song ever made. It’s so badass it was used as the theme for that show “Renegade” starring Sir Lorenzo Lamas, the greatest TV show of all time. If this song was a person it’d be an unemployed guy who wears a wifebeater stained with raviloi, has gotten banned from all of the Applebees in North America and drives a pickup truck fueled by the tears he’s shed because of all his failed marriages.
Tips to Mastering the Song: There’s only one possible way to perform this song and capture all of it’s extreme coolness: you have to drive onto stage on a sweet ass Harley through a thick veil of smoke wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses. You then have to sing the entire song while looking over your shoulder at the crowd with a scowl on your face and then after it’s done you have to give a finger to authority and pop a wheelie and haul ass out of there shouting “Live your life a quarter mile at a time!”. If you can’t perform it under those circumstances then don’t even try as you will not do it justice.
1. Show Me the Way
If there’s one Styx song everyone should get drunk and sing to at karoke, this is it. This is the greatest song ever recorded by a human in the history of civilization and is the best present we could ever give our ears. If you hear the chorus to this song and are not instantly transported to a magical world then you are Hitler incarnate except worse because even Hitler would’ve loved this song. The next time you go to sing karoke, check to make sure they have this song, if they don’t then you need to go up to the manager of the place and throw him out a 2nd floor window. You don’t want to kill him, you just want the fall to break a few bones and send the message that it is not ok to leave this song off the playlist. He’ll thank you later for it, trust me.
“Moffett and Wilson walked out before the ending because Angel started singing the finale, a cover of his ‘Mindfreak’ TV theme song.”—Excerpt from an early review for Criss Angel’s upcoming stage show with Cirque Du Soleil “Believe”
If there’s anything I love more in life than lazing around drinking Mr. Pibb and playing Family Feud on Super Nintendo it’s retro claustrophobic dance music from the 80’s so when I first heard the song “It’s Real” by Black Affair I was in heaven. It’s got vintage synths and drums and sounds like it was recorded in a dank corner in Debbie Harry’s cellar so it’s pretty goshdarn awesome. It’s so good in fact it’s going to be added as an official castmember to the show Mad Men, the first time in history that a song has been given a chance to prove itself as an actor and on one of the coolest shows on TV to boot.
Steve Coogan, Ricky Gervais, Russell Brand, and now...
In the past few months we’ve finally begun to see some of the brightest talent from across the pond start to make their mark on the North American landscape. Steve Coogan had a nice little appearance in Tropic Thunder and the starring role in Hamlet 2, Russell Brand had a big part in Forgetting Sarah Marshall and hosted the VMA’s and Ricky Gervais has Ghost Town coming out this weekend which I saw a few days ago and it is a very sweet, funny and accessible romantic comedy that’ll probably do very well theatrically and on DVD with good word of mouth. Even Little Britain is coming to America with a revamped version of their UK show so now it really does seem like European comedians are the next big thing. Hollywood bigwigs reading my blog (I know you are, don’t deny it) here are some of the people you need to bring over and make big stars.
Matt Berry is pretty much destined to be a huge star. His work in Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace and Snuff Box is some of the funniest stuff done by any actor in the past 10 years and he’s also a really talented musician, the songs on Snuff Box were amazing and his solo album “Opium” is a surprisingly great collection of 60’s pop songs. He’s already filmed an appearance for the Sarah Silverman Program so his conquering of North America has begun let’s just hope it doesn’t take long for him to become popular over here.
Richard Ayoade also appeared in the classic Garth Marengi’s Darkplace as sleazy producer turned terrible actor Dean Learner but it’s his performance as Maurice Moss on the IT Crowd that should’ve earned him worldwide popularity. The IT Crowd isn’t a great show but it is a solid sitcom and Maurice was a character for the ages, a character so memorable that when they filmed a pilot for the American version of the show they brought Richard in to reprise the role. Unfortunately NBC never aired the American version of the show during their Thursday night comedy lineup like planned but it’s not hard to imagine how huge this character could’ve become and what it could’ve led Richard to doing. There’s still time NBC, get him on a show pronto.
If they’ll bring an Americanized version of Little Britian over here then I have no idea why they don’t try to get the Mighty Boosh over. It’s already got a pretty big cult following in North America so it wouldn’t take too much to push it further in the limelight and Julian Barratt and Noel Fielding are both incredibly likeable and funny guys that the public would grow to love in no time at all. There’s always room on HBO for a silly, surreal comedy show.
50 Cent. Diamond skulls. Shooting up the Middle East. Yes, all of this can be found in Curtis Jackson’s video game ‘Blood on the Sand’.
This is an actual excerpt from someone working on the game explaining the storyline:
"Nah, what’s inspired the title is, 50 and G-Unit are putting on a sold-out performance somewhere in a fictional Middle Eastern setting. This is where the ‘blood on the sand’ comes in. They put on the performance; the people are pleased, but the concert promoter stiffs them and doesn’t give 50 and G-Unit their payment.
So, of course, 50 isn’t going to leave until he gets paid, so he hassles the concert promoter, [saying] if he doesn’t come up with the money now, there will be consequences. And instead, the promoter offers him a very valuable gift – something that’s valuable to this particular country – a diamond encrusted skull.
So 50 gets the skull, and as he’s about to leave this war-torn country, when they’re ambushed and the skull is taken. They escape the ambush, but they’re without the skull. So 50’s motivated to get what belongs to him. So basically, throughout the game, he’s trying to track these people down and find out who they are and why he was ambushed.”
Is the game as amazing as this premise? YES.
This is going to be the greatest achievement in mankind. The only thing that could ever top it is if P. Diddy made a game where he travelled back in time to 1994 in Rwanda to dish out some vengeance and stop the genocide.
Y’all might as well call me Parkour Posey because I’ve got parkour fever!!! Today I’d like to show off my insane ‘kour skills with some visual evidence so no one can call me a liar.
Here’s me running alongside the South wall of my town’s local Mickey D’s (McDonalds for the laymen out there). There’s no digitial tomfoolerly going on here…I am able to run along vertical surfaces for up to 4 hours. I once did three lap wall run around a Costco until management kicked me out because my insane sideways jogging was tripping out the other shoppers. I’m like Lionel Richie in the “Dancing on the Ceiling” video, except not a fraud. Yeah, I said it. Eat it, Lionel.
Here’s me doing a backflip. Shirtless. You can give me a standing ovation now if you want, my extreme skills in this picture definitely have earned me that honour.
How did I make this jump? Well, I prepared. Right before I launched myself I had Drowning Pool’s “Bodies” cranking out of my boombox and I had a couple swigs of Diet Mountain Dew…the sheer energy rush I got from these two things was enough to propel by body across this concrete chasm. R.I.P lead singer of Drowning Pool who died of a heart attack on his tour bus. I dedicate this jump to you.
Finally here’s a picture of me doing a backflip during the filming of Lenny Kravitz’s music video for “Fly Away”. My scene was unfortunately cut from the final video but Lenny’s words to me after I completed this jump will stay with me forever: “That was cool man. I’m going to go watch Barnaby Jones in my trailer.”.
It’s Day 3 (Already? The good times never seem to last!) of National Parkour Week so here’s another one of my past parkour experiences to get you excited about this great sport. Keep parkourin’ y’all!
After hearing so much hype I finally decided to indulge myself and pick up a copy of “The Secret”. As I stepped out of the mall bookstore with my brand new possession I saw him…Dom Deluise, sitting on a bench near the Gap eating a big greasy hamburger. I was so nervous I began to shake but I knew I had to talk to him, when would I ever get to talk to a celebrity of such status again. I slowly stumbled over to him and eventually found myself looking down at him as he sat silently taking a big bite of his hamburger. “M-Mr. Deluise, I’d just like to say I’m a huge fan…your work with Don Bluth, it’s amazing, you brought real pathos to the Troll in Central Park and I th-” before I could finish gushing about his career he raised his hand up to silence me and gradually lifted his head up from the tinfoil wrapper of his burger. “What the fuck do you want” he mumbled at me, I could smell alcohol on his breath and the faint outline of a holster underneath his jacket told be to be careful. “I’m trying to get my burger on over here,” he continued as his left hand slowly edged towards his handgun. I didn’t know how to react so I just slowly backed away knowing that any sudden movements could result in me being blown away. Without warning a look of surprise grew across his face and he grabbed my arm and pulled me close. “That symbol on your shirt…” he said pointing to the initials WPA embroidered on my t-shirt. “Is that…the World Parkour Association logo?”. I sighed in relief and nodded then gave him the secret parkourer handshake that only members of the group know. “How did you get into parkour, Dom?” I asked him. “You don’t seem like the parkouring type.” Dom just smiled wistfully and stared off into the distance, at an Orange Julius. “It was during the filming of Smokey and the Bandit 2…The elephant in the movie, he had a handler who did parkour and one day he taught me how to do a wallrun and then backflip off onto the top of a semi trailer…I haven’t looked back since.” Dom crumpled up the burger tinfoil and tossed it onto the floor. “Hey kid, how about me and you parkour right now?” Dom said with a sly grin as he pulled himself off the bench. “It’d be an honour sir” I smiled back and we locked our gaze together in a symbol of trust. “PARKOUR!” we both shouted, hands interlocked, as we did a wallrun up the side of Urban Outfitter and backflipped…to freedom.
Day 2 of National Parkour Week…y’all been parkouring? If not, then why the FUCK aren’t you doing some parkour? Here’s another one of my fantastic parkour experiences to help inspire you to get out there and to partake in some parkouring.
A few years ago I found myself at an advanced screening of the Adrien Brody time travelling thriller “The Jacket”. The theatre was packed and everyone was enjoying Kris Kristofferson’s brilliant supporting performance when the screen began to flicker and then suddenly cut out. I had to see the end of the film, find out the reasoning behind Ad-Bro’s time tripping, so I quickly did a wall run up the side of the room and then backflipped into the projection room. “I know how to parkour, is there anything I can do to help?” I said to the projectionist who was frantically trying to get the maching up and running. She put her hands together and looked up at the heavens and mouthed the words “thank you” before looking back down at me with an urgent look on her face. “Thank god you’re here, Parkour is exactly what we need.” I smiled and and winked at her, unzipping a bit of the thin coat I was wearing to reveal a bit of my “I Heart Parkour!” t-shirt underneath. “I need to get up to the top of the projector, there’s a button up there we need to hit, but it’s way too high up and would require cat-like precision to reach.” By the time she had finished the sentence I was already on top of the machine having done a frontal flip on top of it. I used parkour to push the button and lo and behold, the movie began to play again. The projectionist hugged me with tears in her eyes, “Is there anything I can do to repay you?” she looked up and asked. “One thing,” I said as I slid on my shades. “Never stop believing.” I somersaulted out the window and landed gracefully in my seat like a swan. A swan who does parkour.
In honour of National Parkour Week (yep, it’s that time again!) I’m going to be posting some of my own personal parkour stories over the next 7 days to support this wonderful sport. Well, I say sport. To me it’s a way of life.
The year was 2007. I was at my friend Tybreeze’s house playing some v-games on his Playstation 2. There’s a knock at the door and we both glance at each other with the same “Yep, it’s the pizza, let’s eat some pizza” looks on our faces. Tybreeze opens the door and pays the delivery boy and brings in a delicious pep & mush for us to munch on. “Wait a minute”, I think to myself. “He didn’t tip the delivery boy”. Tybreeze lived on the 6th floor of his apartment building so I ran out onto his balcony and quickly surveyed the grooves, cracks and holes in the wall that led down to the street. Yep, I could parkour this. I busted out some intense improvisational parkouring and managed to get myself down into the parking lot in 10 seconds flat. The pizza delivery boy arrived at his car 2 minutes later to find me sprawled over the hood of his vehicle with crossed arms and a pair of sunglasses drooping over my smug face. “How did..wha…” he tried to speak but my impressive skills had left him speechless. I handed him a $5 tip and then lowered my sunglasses and said with a smirk “Here’s another tip: learn to parkour”. Then I parkoured back up to Tybreeze’s room and had a slice of pizza.
“I’m bad news. I listen to Scars on Broadway and my girlfriend is an ex-Suicide Girl. I live in an old Ozzfest touring bus so if you disrespect me in any way I will drive over to where you live and personally beat your head in with a folded up poker table. The ball is in your court, how do you want to play this? Better decide fast because the ball is a bomb.”—
On Celebrity Family Feud tonight Corbin Bernsen and his family were eliminated after a grueling match with the cast of American Chopper. In honor of his defeat, I will listen to the Major League: Back to the Minors soundtrack at half-volume at exactly 10:00 AM. This one’s for you, Corby.
Jimmi Simpson as Lyle the Intern on the Late Show with David Letterman, possibly the funniest recurring character on TV. Jimmi’s already been in quite a few big things in film and on stage but this man is in need of a huge breatkthrough role immediately.
Just letting y’all know that B-Hills Chi. (Beverly Hills Chihuahua) will now be hitting theatres on October 3rd instead of the originally planned September 26th, so update your schedule as necessary. If you come across any of the film’s original posters at your local cineplex with the original release date printed on it, be sure to alert the building’s manager of the release date change so he can have the poster fixed accordingly.
The secret of Bear Mountain is that friendship is the greatest treasure you can dig up. Of course, the geniuses at Universal spoil the secret with the film’s tagline “Some friendships are worth a fortune”. Thanks for ruining the emotional payoff jackasses.
Fun Fact: Contrary to popular opinion, Kanye West’s hit song “Gold Digger” is in fact not about this film.
Age does not slow a punk heart down as Dexter Holland, now 61 years young, proves with this frantic, politically charged blast of rude ‘tude. Not to be outdone by C-Play’s (Coldplay) recent hiring of Brian Eno as producer, The ‘spring have enlisted the help of the equally great Bob Rock, who has produced a lot of the brilliant perfect masterpieces you yourself most likely listen to on a daily basis. Their gamble on Bob has paid off with a very rich and textured album that leaves all their previous work in the dust (yes, even Ixnay on the Hombre!). Tunes like “Half-Truism” and “You’re Gonna Go Far, Kid” takes the old ‘spring sound to the next level while stuff like the amazingly eloquent political diatribe “Stuff is Messed Up” pushes them into whole new dimensions of greatness. This album is pretty fly (for an album). If you got that ‘spring reference to one of their classic songs, then yeah, this record’s for you!
Uh, would the guy who designed the Hot to Trot DVD cover read this
I’m a little peeved here. Now don’t get me wrong, I love getting my Hot to Trot on, but this cover for it is just ridiculously stupid. First of all, it’s not the funniest talking horse movie ever. I’ve seen a lot in my life, and this is definitely in that pantheon of great talking horse films, but it’s not the funniest and it’s a lie if you state otherwise. And ok, I’m glad Dabney Coleman’s credited as he’s a great actor, but seriously, he gets billing over Don the Horse? Uh, don’t think so. What the fudge is that all about? I’ll let Bob G. get top billing as he is the star but Don the Horse is CLEARLY the co-lead and putting Dabney over him is a slap in the face to Don. I’m not sure if Mr. Coleman demanded this because he has some sort of grudge against Don, but I hope Warner Bros. sorts this out immediately.
The Austin Powers Impersonation Guild's 2008 Review Guide
Good evening. I’m the head of the Austin Powers Impersonation Guild, or APG for short, and I’m here today to bring you the latest reviews of all the best (and regrettably, worst) we have to offer you in Austin Powers impersonators. We know it can be confusing trying to keep up with all the fake Austin Powers you’re bombarded with on a daily basis, heck, I’ve been in that position too. You don’t get to be the head of the APG without getting your hands dirty. But I want to make it easy for you so you don’t have to go through what I did, so whenever you need to hire an official APer for a party, just consult this little guide:
Jim’s an up and comer on the Austin Powers impersonation scene but his spot-on impression of our favourite man of mystery has been garnering him some rave critical reviews and even a nomination for best newcomer at the Impersie Awards. Rumors of substance and spousal abuse have dogged him for the past few months but even if they’re true, he has risen above and beyond the call of duty in his brilliant performances with his intense and eerily realistic acting.
Pros: Impeccable vocal impersonation, adept at improvisation, a cheap and affordable price.
Cons: Fake teeth need to be dialed down, visually not very similar to the real Austin Powers, doesn’t have car so needs transportation to and from venue.
Richard sums it up best with this line on his website: “My impersonation of AUSTIN POWERS is absolutely DEAD-ON, very shagadelic, and the very BEST in the business!”. He’s a terrible human being, a real lowlife with a very long criminal record and a crippling addiction to OxyContin, but goddammit if he isn’t the best Austin Powers impersonator I’ve ever seen. His mannerisms, his vocal tics, every single thing in his performance has been carefully plotted out which leads to an Austin Powers impersonation that will take your breath away. There’s a reason this man has won three Impersies…he’s the real deal.
Pros: The Marlon Brando of Austin Powers impersonators, a brilliant method actor of peerless brilliance.
Cons: Costs $20,000 a night for his services, awful human being.
Ugh. A disgrace to the whole Austin Powers impersonation community. His awful, inaccurate performances will have you saying “No, Baby, No!” as all your guests run for the hills to get away from the awful impression. He has been permanently barred from the Impersie awards after storming the stage when Richard won and climbing up to the rafters where he proceeded to drop sandbags on all of the winners during their acceptance speeches. Does that sound like the type of Austin Powers impersonator you want at your party?
Brian Wilson is crazy. He’s a musical genius and has made some of my favourite music, but more importantly, he has completely lost his mind and is bonkers. This is a man who wrote a song from the perspective of a tree. Although to be fair to Brian Wilson, he was not crazy enough to create “Kokomo”, a song I’m sure that has him spinning in his grave whenever it’s played (I know he’s not dead, I just presume he sleeps in a grave because he’s crazy).
But in 1989, Brian Wilson’s insanity reached it’s peak levels on an album he had finished ironically called “Sweet Insanity”. Tragically, the label refused to release it (I presume because it was batshit insane) but a few songs did get leaked off of it, including the now immortal classic “Smart Girls”. If you’ve never heard this song before, well, then you haven’t lived.
I now present, in all of it’s brilliantly glorious brilliance, Brian Wilson’s “Smart Girls”. Prepare to be blown away.
I’m exhausted! Just this afternoon me and my friends T.J, J.T, P.J and Kelly all met up at our favourite local coffee shop (Starbucks!) where we picked up the new Jack Johnson LP and talked all about our favourite show: Sex and the City! Why, you ask, were you talking about a show that was ripped off the air 6 years ago? Well that’s a stupid thing to ask doofus, because Sex and the City is back and on the big screen!
But that wasn’t the only momentous thing to happen to us today, oh no. Because finally, after months in queue, we also got Sniper 3 in the mail from Netflix! Me and my crew are also fans of T. Ber, and when we’re not yapping away about Carrie and the Sex gals, we’re talking it up about the Sniper series, specifically Sniper 2 which is all of ours favourite movie (we met on a Sniper 2 related chat room on the web). So we thought we’d celebrate such an important day by heading over to the cinemaplex to catch a 7:00 showing of Sex and then hightailing it over to my ‘partment (apartment) in T.J’s jeep to pop in Sniper 3 and get our Berenger on. And even though I had incredibly, incredibly high expectations for both films…they lived up to the hype!
First off…the acting. I was a bit worried coming in because these actors had a lot to live up to. When you’re starring in a continuation of a TV show or a sequel to a popular series of films, you’ve got to live up to the standards set previously and hoo boy…both of these movies have done it! The biting wit, sassy dialogue and hilarious fashion riffs of the previous Sniper films is delivered with perfection by Tom Berenger, who doesn’t skip a beat jumping back into the iconic character that is Thomas J. Beckett. Likewise for Sarah Jessica Parker, who really carries the Sex and the City film with her likability and charm. If you’re wondering why I put carries in italics, google “sarah jessica parker’s character name on sex and the city” to get the reference ;)!
Onto the screenplay side of things, and well, both films also blew me out of the water on this front as well! The dynamic twosome J.S. Cardone and Ross Helford (who previously wrote us some classics like The Covenant and The Forsaken) prove that the pen truly is mightier than the sword with a script that’s so razor sharp it’d probably cut your head off if it was thrown at your neck. A line like “Whenever I kill a man it’s because he needs killing. I take a look at his life and if it adds up to nothing I take him out” really puts you into the mindspace of a sniper, the judge, jury and executioner who decides whether you live or die. And although the Sex and the City script isn’t full with as many great musings on the mind of a sniper, it’s got quite a few funny one liners! Samantha really brings the laughs and her hilarious quips on life, love and living sent the entire audience into hysterics. The sharp and clever writing really helps pull the film along it’s breezy 148 minute running time.
Just one example of the film’s hilarious dialogue! (It’s from Sex and the City, not Sniper 3).
So in conclusion, Sex and the City and Sniper 3 are great movies! If you’re having doubts about whether or not they live up to the hype let me just assure you one last time that they do. Sniper 3 better than Sniper 2!?!? Yeah, I said it. It is.
Oh man. Just got home from the K.Rok (that’s his nickname) show down at the arena and boy howdy, it was fan-freakng-tastic. Before the show everyone was chilling out in the parking lot cooking on the bbq’s they brought and cranking some Skynrd and just having lots of fun. I met my old friend Gumbo down there and he showed me the new truck he bought (I was sitting on the fence about whether or not trucks are cool and I can now firmly say that…THEY ARE!) At about 7:00 we all started pouring into the Target Entertainment Arena to catch the opening act, Uncle Kracker (sic).
If Uncle Kracker (sic) was my real uncle I’d surely invite him to all my family reunions lol! His Southern rock went down well with the crowd and everyone cheered and laughed at his entertaining banter between songs, especially when he said “So this is the Target Entertainment Arena eh? I’m more of a Wal-Mart man myself.” lol Who could argue with that? The answer is no one.
And then, at 11:50 PM, the man of the hour strolled onto the stage to the opening riffs of ‘American Bada*s’. The place exploded with cheers as K.Rok strutted across the stage as if he owned it (he doesn’t it, it’s the arena’s property). When the song ended he got even more cheers when he screamed “That song was for all the American Bada*ses fighting over in Iraq!” as he impaled a guitar made to look like the American flag through a large map of Iraq. Political satire at a rock concert? Me likey.
After a few more hardcore rap rock songs K.Rok eyed his guitar in the corner of the stage and asked the crowd “Ya’ll mind if I shred a little bit now?” Judging by all the devil horns and beer bottles that went up in the air, I think I can assume the answer was EFF NO! After jokingly strumming the opening riff from Freebird (Much to the amusement of EVERYONE IN THE WOLRD) he quickly jumped into playing ‘Cowboy’, a song made famous by being featured in the film Shanghai Noon. Once again after that song ended Kid Rock dedicated it to “All the Cowboys fighting over in Iraq!!”
After stepping off stage for 25 minutes, Kid Rock returned again at 2:00 for an encore we would not soon be forgetting. As American Flags appeared on the video screens behind the stage, Kid stepped back out wearing a soldier’s uniform and carrying a large realistic looking machine gun. A roadie dressed comically as Osama Bin Laden ran around the stage as the crowd laughed and threw lighters at him as he playfully pulled on his fake beard. “Excuse me a sec,” Kid Rock chuckled as he raised his fake machine gun and fired it at the roadie who shot off his carefully placed squibs that made it look like he had been shot in the head. “R.I.P Muchacho” Kid Rock said as he tore off the uniform and grabbed the mic to perform the final song of the night ‘Bawitdaba’ as videos of Saddam Hussein’s hanging played on the screen behind him.